Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Porn is love you can see.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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