I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
