it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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