Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
