Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Two words: blizzard sex
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
