I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
false alarm. still invincible.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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