Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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