if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Please don't give away my fajitas
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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