I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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