Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
