I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
