I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
