walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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