Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
