he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm experimenting with sincerity
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
