I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
