Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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