if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
