btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
