What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
How external is "for external use only"?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
