Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
