i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
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