The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Rumble strips road head = magical
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I AM VODKA MAN
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
