It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
