i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
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