People in love make me want to vomit
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
