I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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