There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Randomize
