I puked a lego.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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