I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize