I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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