I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Less talking, more tequila
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Randomize
