I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
