I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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