Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
