there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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