why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
