you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
