I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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