Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
