I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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