You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
