seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
