There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
