I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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