P.S. I can't hear my feet
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
