this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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