I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
