Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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