when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I made him laugh his dick is mine
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
