I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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