You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
