i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
