Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Randomize
