i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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