Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
So squirting runs in the family.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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