I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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