ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
