I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
