theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
