I think I am morally bankrupt
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
