The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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