Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
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