just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
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