Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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